So for a while, I was amassing a collection of disguised or transformer style vibrators.
You know the type. The kind of vibrators that look like a cell phone, a tube of lipstick, a hairbrush, or a rubber duckie.

Yes, a rubber duckie.

I’m pretty sure anyone who is reading this blog has either seen these cute little toys for sale, or currently owns one. They are rather prolific. You can get mini ones, big ones, black ones, bondage ones, devil ones, or pretty much any variation that your humorous little heart desires.

When I first moved away from home, my mother had a habit of dropping by my apartment at unexpected times. This was all fine and dandy, except for the fact that I was living in a studio apartment, and the bed was right in the middle of the room.

Yes. My bed.

As you are probably aware by now, it wasn’t a princess canopy with pretty pink sheets.

I had customized it quite a bit, and had installed shelves over the headboard to hold all my…ummm… toys. Frankly, since I saw them every day I’d just gotten use to their presence, like they were simple furniture pieces or something equally banal.
This became a problem when my mom would drop by for tea, and I’d forget to cover them or put them away.

Ugh.

I’ll never forget the first time that happened.

I was chatting with my mother about her garden, and realized after 20 minutes that she was studiously keeping her eyes on her teacup. I glanced around the room, and realized with slowly dawning horror that a few feet away, right in my mother’s line of sight, was a shelf proudly displaying a colorful assortment of vibrators, restraints, oils, lotions, whips, and a single, glorious, no-nonsense strap-on.

Yeah.

She never mentioned it, but that was the day I took a deep interest in disguised vibrators.

The first addition to my new collection was an “I rub my duckie”

It looks, feels, and floats in the tub like a normal bath toy. Despite being a little heavier than your average rubber duck, I’d say it makes a great incognito vibe for those living with roommates or parents. Just make sure not to let anyone squeeze the back, since that’s how you turn it on.

Personally, I used it more as a novelty item than as a serious sex toy, since the shape of the duck makes clit stimulation a bit of an effort. You more or less just press the duck up against yourself while it’s vibing away.

A fun thing to do when you’re bored is to turn it on and let it float in the bath, since the vibrations make it swim around.

For myself, I like it for it’s novelty value, it’s nostalgia, and the fact that despite it’s awkward shape, it’s good for bath time relaxation.

Just be aware that it’s a loud little fucker.

So I was ordering some toys a few weeks back, and I came across an interesting little accessory that immediately piqued my interest.
It’s called “I like it doggy style”, and it’s a sort of padded strap that fits under your belly with grips on either end.

“My goodness!” I thought. “What a coincidence, I DO like doggy style! This contraption must be mine without further delay!”
So with the quick, decisive, and slightly intoxicated determination that only comes with sleep deprived shopping, I ordered the device and then promptly forgot about it.

Now fast forward to yesterday, when I get a mysterious package in the mail.

After the few moments it took for me to remember that I did, in fact, order this (and it wasn’t a present from the gods of booty) I opened it with glee and called my trusty assistants to my side.
“Assistants!” I shouted, “We have a job to do! This strange product must be reviewed at once!”
The next hour and a half went by in a blur, but I came away from the experience knowing three things:

1) The strap is pretty comfortable, but I happen to have an ass. This allows for a set of natural…ummm…handles, so to speak. This would be more useful for someone without much in the way of hips.

2) You can adjust the length of the loop handles, so a variety of interesting positions can be achieved.

3) The padded section for the belly is nice, but presses on your bladder a bit more than I liked.

All in all, I think it’s a nice idea, but not all that necessary. I do love doggy style, but if you can’t find a grip with the hips I’ve got then honey, you ain’t trying.

Hey my little chickadees!

Today’s review is for the fun and festively patterned “jungle Bullet” vibrator.

Why is it called a jungle bullet you ask?

Well, as far as I can tell it’s because this sexy little vibe comes in a really cool looking black and red tiger pattern.

You know, fierce authentic jungle cat by way of hot topic.

Just kidding! Actually it IS one of the cooler looking bullet vibes out there, and the pattern is on both the controller and the bullet itself. The vibration controls can be adjusted using only one finger (which is pretty useful when you’re hands are otherwise occupied.) and it’s water proof for easy cleaning.

Now, the water proof aspect was one of my main reasons for picking up this particular item.

The helpful saleslady over at Good Vibrations had told me that bullet vibrators are almost exclusively used for external stimulation. However, I am a shameless rebel who is willing to take many fun and sassy risks in the name of science, and slipped it in anyway just to see what would happen.

I have to say, I think she was right.

It was nice, and when you cranked the power up all the way you got a fun buzz, but that was about it. After a few minutes I decided to experiment, and used my muscles to push and pull it inside. That actually worked a lot better, until I squeezed a little too hard and the bullet shot out like a rocket, smacking me in the kneecap and leaving a small bruise.

I think I need to work on my aim. That trick could really come in handy some day.

There is a fairly large seam about halfway down the vibe itself , but it didn’t cause a problem either for insertion or for clitoral stimulation, so I won’t count that as a downside.

I was going to try and experiment with it in the bath, but I never got the chance.

After cleaning and putting it away in a drawer, I went out to get the mail.

When I got back to the apartment, I found that my evil little devil kitties had opened the drawer (something they had never done before) pulled it out, and begun batting it around the living room like a mouse.

One of them grabbed the bullet part, the other grabbed the controller, and in the ensuing scuffle it got turned on.

This was not good.

They BOTH freaked out, decided that this little bastard of a jungle-patterned mouse had insulted the honor of their ancestors, and proceeded to rip the cord to shreds before I could intervene.

Rest in pieces, dear little jungle bullet vibe.

We hardly knew you.