When we first entered the building, our group was greeted by a squinty-eyed old codger who was older than dirt.

Really. I’m not kidding.

I’m betting this guy played the banjo while Nero fiddled.

I was in awe over his appearance, which was somewhere between “classic cave-dwelling hermit” and “western gold rush coalminer”.

He was awesome!

He barked something unintelligible in our general direction that sounded like “murble murble crumbcakes snarf”, and then proceeded to forget we were there.

I looked back at the men to see if they had understood whatever secret military code he was speaking in, but by their blank looks I could see that they hadn’t.

I tried talking to him, but he was locked inside some kind of old-man-meditative-trance.

At that point I did the only thing you can do in that sort of situation:

I poked him with a pen.

It wasn’t quite the same as poking him with a stick, but it did the job.

Suddenly he snapped back to reality, extending a hand and pointing a withered finger in my direction.

“The lady gets in for free.” he solemnly intoned.

Hooray! Who knew childhood tendencies would serve me so well?

I skipped ahead into the club, feeling his myopic glare boring into my back for the entire length of the hall.

It was finally time to see if all the rumors about this club were true.

We all regrouped at the main dance area, and took our time glancing around at this notorious den of iniquity.

Huh.

As it turns out, it was a pretty nice setup. The girls I saw were all attractive, well groomed, with perfect makeup and amazing bodies. The ones I spoke with were also fairly intelligent and had a sense of humor.

I was surprised.

Frankly, I had been told that the O’Farrell theatre was raunchy as hell.

Was my info wrong?

I decided the best way to find out was to get a lap dance.

Looking around, I spotted a gorgeous brunette and asked her for the basic lap dance info.

She smiled at me, licked her lips, and then started quoting positions and prices like some kind of kinky maitre d’.

As it turns out, the girls in this place all do more than just a few “extras”.

In fact, the extras are so common that they take the place of normal strip club activities. If I was so inclined, I could fuck my beautiful brunette for just $300.

For $400, I could fuck her for an hour. The prices worked on a sliding scale, depending on what I wanted to do.

I was… surprised.

Not because of what they were doing, but because of the way they were doing it. there was not even a hint of dancing in that place. The girls walked across the stage like contestants in a Miss America contest.

They didn’t even touch the pole.

As far as I could tell, the O’Farrell theatre was more or less a nice quality brothel.

Beautiful girls, set prices, and private rooms.

We left to go find some places were the girls actually danced, but I considered it an altogether interesting and informative experience.

to be continued…

Recently, I helped plan a bachelor party.

Now, I have seen, attended, and taken blackmail photos of many bachelor parties in the past, but I had never officially been part of one.

The day of the party I was called up, given an “honorary male” status, and invited along for fun and shenanigans. It seems that a number of the guys invited had canceled at the last minute, due to girlfriend/wife/partner disapproval. This made the party pathetically small, and I was tapped to fill the gap.

I told them I would put on a fake moustache for the occasion.

The groom-to-be was a sweet, quiet, mellow guy who plays online role-playing games and paints lead figurines. The best man (my co-conspirator in this little adventure) is a batshit-crazy nuclear scientist from Kentucky who looks like a giant hairy Viking.
I knew from the start that this night would end up as a quirky story about prostitutes.

We started our night of debauchery at a nice restaurant, then had drinks at a local martini bar while we mulled over our choices.

“Would you like to go to an upscale strip club?” I innocently inquired “I happen to know of several”

“We want sleaze!” The boys declared in unison.

“Take us to where old strippers go to die!”

… Hrmmmmm.

Skanky hellholes were a little out of my expert field, but I am always willing to embark on a scientific experiment. I told the group that I’d heard nasty things about the Mitchell Brothers O’Farrell theatre, but had never personally gone.

When I described its history and all the rumors I’d heard, the group instantly agreed that it sounded like a splendid place to start out.

Our mission was set, and off we went.

to be continued…

A while back, I was given a sizeable range of sample products to test out and review. Included in this goodie bag was a small sample of Kama Sutra’s “Love liquid sensual lubricant”.

Now, I have already reviewed several Kama Sutra products on this site, and by now you should be aware that my feelings for this brand can be summed up in three words:

“Worth the price”.

When I first popped the top of my little sample bottle, I was expecting to catch a whiff of exotic perfume. After all, every other Kama Sutra product I have tried in the past yielded a distinct scent. This product, however, was unscented.

I decided to try a little taste test, to see if there was any trace of flavor.

After making faces that my assistants classified as “a puppy with peanut butter stuck to the roof of its mouth” I came to two conclusions:

1: There was no artificial flavor. Just the taste of lube. (I’m sure several of you know exactly what that taste is, and how hard it is to describe.)

2: I do not enjoy unflavored lube on my tongue. Its texture gives me the Oogies.

All in all, I was a bit surprised, but far from disappointed. This was a good, old fashioned lube without all the bells and whistles. It didn’t have any sugar, so I could use it internally. It didn’t have any scent, so there were no worries about perfume allergies. It is water based and colorless, so it won’t stain my sheets or clothes.

Recently, I just worked my way through a huge pile of self-warming, fruit-scented, rainbow-colored, will-do-my-taxes-and-walk-my-dog style lubes.

Frankly, I found it a bit refreshing to find one that simply does its job and cleans up easily.

For a lube, I’d say this product has a medium viscosity. It’s smooth and light, but not runny. I would recommend Love Liquid for hand jobs, masturbation (both manually and with toys), and intercourse.

I would not recommend it for oral endeavors (since I dislike the flavor of plain lube), or anal play (this would probably work fine, but I like to recommend more heavy-duty lube for that).

My epic quest for the perfect lube has been a journey fraught with both peril and trepidation.

Will this product evaporate in the middle of an adventure?

Will it ruin the sheets?

Can I use it with condoms/dental dams/synthetic toys?

Can it be used for anal play?

Does it have any sugar in it?

And (for one particular adventure) is it flammable?

Yes, I ask a lot out of my lube. I put it through rigorous series of tests that may or may not include a centrifuge. But these tests are necessary, since I have faced much disappointment over the years.

Recently, I was given a couple dozen test samples for Motion Lotion, a nice brand of flavored personal lube that heats up if you so much as leer at it. The consistency was good, (not too viscous and not too thin) and the heating action was a nice touch. In fact, it began to heat up as soon as it was applied.

I think this product is particularly good for oral, since the heat is activated by both breath and friction. Each lap of the tongue creates a warm, tingly heat that adds immeasurably to oral endeavors. Vibrators are also improved with this lovely lube, since the vibrations have the same heat-inducing effect.

Here are some quick facts about this delicious little product.

*It won’t harm rubber or plastic, so go ahead and vibe or slide away with the toy of your choosing.

*It tastes great. Not too sweet, but not chemically artificial either. The hot cinnamon or hot cherry are just that. Hot. They have an added spiciness to them that I find wonderful, but if you prefer more mellow fare, they have that as well.

* As far as I can tell, it won’t stain the sheets. I’ve tried it on cotton sheets and had no problems, but as with any lube I wouldn’t recommend splashing it all over your silk kimonos.

* It cleans off easily. Also, on my walk to the shower I noticed something interesting. The simple act of walking makes it heat up both inside (if you got any in there) and out, creating warm tingles. Very nice, and something I will remember for later.

* It does have fructose in it, so for the most part I try to avoid getting any inside me (I try to avoid internal lubes that have sugar, since a woman’s PH balance is a finicky mistress). However, for an external lube (as in, just for oral or used with external vibrators) it is a great product.

* I would not use this for anal play. That is not to say you can’t, but…. I just wouldn’t. let’s all err on the side of caution.

I really like this particular lube, and am slowly working my way through all the flavors. I highly encourage you to do the same.

Allright my lovely readers, I know I have left you alone for far too long.
I can hear the wailing and gnashing of teeth all the way up here in my new digs, and have valiantly arrived to rescue you from boredom.

“Oh Tessa!” I hear you cry, “Why have you forsaken us for so long!?”

The answers, my little chickadees, are many and varied. I had a giant moving experience (of the geographical kind, just to be clear.) As well as other developments in my personal life that required my attention.
Plus, I just tend to get distracted by shiny objects. Especially when those objects come over in skimpy clothes and bring Vodka.

That is not to say I haven’t been reviewing products and videos.

No, out of the goodness in my heart I have forced (FORCED I say!) myself to watch porn and test out sex toys. It was a mighty task and a heavy burden to bear, but I struggled on, comforted with the knowledge that I was helping to make the world a better place.

As a peace offering, I have brought along some pictures of the various products up for review. Aren’t I sweet? The updates and reviews will continue as before, there will be joyous celebrations, dancing in the streets, and all will be right with the world.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled program.