Is it wrong that one of the best sex accoutrements I’ve ever gotten is from the children’s section of Ikea?

Perhaps, but I like to think all’s fair in love and war.

The particular device I’m referring to is called “Ekorre hand rings”
And is a pair of long sturdy ropes ending in perfectly curved wooden handles.
It is sturdily constructed, and can support an obscene amount of pressure or dead weight.
Apparently, this is to help your child become an Olympic athlete, or train them to be a super hero with enough upper body strength to rival Tarzan.

However, my first thought upon seeing them was “dear god! They look like stirrups, and you can bolt them into the wall! for the love of all things good and just, THEY MUST BE MINE!!!!”

Now, I had picked out my bed with two things in mind.

• It must be made of solid wood and not make any squeaking or thumping noises, no matter the kind of crazy-voodoo-monkey-sex you forced upon it.
• It must have strong posts and sections at the head and foot so you could tie scarves or attach handcuffs without risk of breaking the bed.

Due to my incredibly sexy foresight, I now have a bed with stirrups that can be easily hidden away when I invite a cloister of nuns over for tea and crumpets.

I cannot stress enough just how awesome these things are.

They are comfortably fitted to the arch of your foot, and can be tied to the headboard, screwed into the wall, or hung from the ceiling with equal ease.
The sturdy-yet-flexible rope allows you to comfortably maneuver your legs into positions that are impractical, uncomfortable, or otherwise impossible without 10 years of gymnastics training.

In the T.B.S (time before stirrups) I’ve tried to do some of the more complicated positions in the Kama Sutra, and either failed completely or got cramps that took all the fun out of experimentation. This takes the pressure off and allows for better balance, and is compatible with most any position you can think of.

Go out and get some.

Seriously.

You can get a pair at Ikea for under ten dollars, and it’s worth it at least ten times the price.